Poopy Poop Poop Dung Feces Excrement.

In case you couldn't tell this is a shit-tastic post. As in poop. No there will not be pictures. Except ones I draw myself. And yes mom and grandma, I will probably drop the "s-word" a few more times.

So I'm 37 weeks preg-perego with this squirmy wormy baby girl in my belly and of course I'm really excited to meet her and cuddle with her and talk to her and love on her - that really goes without saying. But today I made a realization. The amount of excrement I will be handling on a daily basis is about to increase exponentially.

I cleaned up no fewer than 6 giant piles of dog crap today (half of which were IN MY HOUSE - anybody want a dog?), plus the two TJ poop diapers I changed (and that's everyday). In addition, we have to factor in a husband who likes to talk about feces and generally requires a toilet-plunging lesson everytime he's finished going number 2, and now we are adding a new baby who will have the (non-smelly, thank GOD) breastmilk runs eleventy-billion times a day. I mean, we are just talking about a whole lotta shit here.

I love my TJ more than anything, I would literally give the heart out of my chest for him, and that fact is made clear to me in part because I don't even mind changing his poopy diapers. I'm sure I'm just like most moms and actually feel a bit of relief when he has his regular bowel movements, just so I know everything is working alright in there.

T has pooped in the potty exactly one time, and I pretty much wanted to throw him a parade. In fact, when he is officially potty-learned I probably will embark on a one-woman ticker tape affair down Michigan Avenue. I'll say "Happy Poop Day" to people, because this is something my child actually says, usually when I'm trying to get him to say "Happy Birthday" to friends or fam on the phone and he gets bored.

The dogs are a different story.

I hate.

Cleaning up.

Dog poop.

So you can imagine how thrilled I was today to clean up the brontosaurus-sized piles of dung IN MY HOUSE, and outside today. The last time I took them out I didn't even take plastic bags with me, thinking there was NO WAYYYYY they could possibly have more poop to poop, but I was wrong.

So yesss, that makes me the asshole who didn't clean up after her dogs on Marshfield today - apologies friends.

So that's where my head is at today, as I'm weeks-to-days away from having a baby. Not on the fact that I haven't packed my hospital bag, or that I need to make my final call to be sure the new baby insurance paperwork is all squared away, or on getting her bed set up or buying a new changing table pad for the bedroom. No, no, no. I'm in feces-land. Thinking about how much more poopy poop crap feces I'm going to be elbow-deep in.

Ooh, the things the books don't talk about :)

Brown squishy love hugs,

Christa

No Wonder Kids Throw Tantrums in Public - They Look at Millions of Buttholes All Day

Have you ever crouched down to the eye level of a toddler riding in a stroller? Try it sometime. We were at the Lincoln Park Zoo a few weeks ago, walking through the monkey house with my parents, and TJ was becoming a bit unruly, so I crouched down to his level to talk to him and supply some sustenance, only to make an alarming discovery.

To set the scene, the monkey house was packed - apparently spider monkeys and gorillas and chimpanzees draw quite an audience on a Saturday afternoon in Chicago, but as I looked around from T's eye level, literally all I could see were people's butts. Big butts, small butts, some as big as your head! Flat butts, mom-jean butts, bubble butts, butts that I'm sure were really wrinkly, and I guarantee there were some butts within my nose smelling radius that were farting at that very moment. Right in my and my kid's face.

No wonder kids throw tantrums in public places! When you stick them in their stroller, all they can see (and smell) are strangers bungholes! Why has no one thought of this yet?! Or maybe someone did, and that was the genesis of the "Sit and Stand" stroller concept.

Try as I might to "get into the mind of my one-year-old" this was a revelation to me. If all I could see were butts when I looked around I would be pissed enough to throw a tantrum in a public arena, too. Kudos to our kids for keeping it together for as long as they do in crowded public places.

When we visit DisneyWorld someday we will definitely NOT make our kids ride in a stroller - that place is elbows to assholes for the adults walking around, can you imagine what the kids in strollers endure?! I encourage you all to be sensitive to the rampant epidemic of buttstink in the world - for your kids sake. By the time you detect a smelly butt your kid-in-a-stroller has probably already been subjected to the stank for like 2 minutes, so my God people - run! Separate from the crowds! I mean seriously, how would you feel if you looked around and all you could see were BUTTS?!

I'm glad I could shed some light on this topic for you - Good luck out there, and may you remain pinkeye free.

Christa